Unattainable

Feelings

2011-11-24T12:44:00.000-08:00

I thought it was what I wanted. I spent 2+ years having a strong desire for this. It happened. It was all unexpected and I was so caught up in the moment, I didn't take a second to reconsider if it was what I REALLY wanted. I went with the flow and it was... different, fun, exciting. Sometimes I didn't know what to say because I would get extremely nervous. But when we did talk, we talked about a lot of things. I enjoyed it because I have never been able to talk to someone, aside from my close friends, about the things we talked about for so long. I enjoyed your kisses, and when you'd grab my hand and play with my fingers. I enjoyed playing with your hair and being stupid with you. I enjoyed your sarcastic-ness... sometimes. But I'm also sorry. I'm sorry for biting your lip too hard. I'm sorry for banging your head against the table. I'm sorry for banging my laptop on your knee. I'm NOT sorry for fucking up your arm, because that was your fault. But I'm mostly sorry for not being what you need. I just don't think we were on the same page, or well, I know we weren't. But I do think that I put in to much effort for you. Did you care? If you did, well, you did a terrible job at showing it. I risked a lot for you. I didn't deserve to be treated like shit, I deserved someone who gave a shit. All in all, you talked to me with words and I looked at you with feelings.

Bliss

2011-11-24T12:29:00.000-08:00

This one is more recent. I haven't stayed true to mycreativehand. I've neglected it! I started this project with intentions of creating an art piece at least once a week but I have just had so much on my plate these past few months and haven't stuck to my word. I would really love to continue this project of mine but I know that I will, not necessarily give up, but take another pause because of all the work that gets thrown at me in school, all the events I need to attend, and all the yearbook appointments/meetings/deadlines I have to take care of. I'm hoping starting the beginning of next year, things will calm down and I can finally continue this project that I started.

Is it possible...

2011-10-05T15:17:00.000-07:00

I'm so fascinated by you. You're so mesmerizing. But here's the catch: I dont' even know you. I know who you are, I've spoken to you a few times, but that is all. I want to know more about you. I want to actually have a conversation with you. You're so mysterious. And although I don't know you, is it possible that I could possibly... maybe... somewhat like you? I don't know. I'm no expert when it comes to 'feelings' but, I think it could be possible. It may sound entirely creepy and insane, but I feel like, I'm almost certain of this. And I'm not certain of anything.

Been listening to these all week;

2011-08-27T22:10:00.000-07:00

I can only hope.

2011-08-17T19:30:00.000-07:00

In my yearbook class (I don't like calling it a class, because it's more than a class, but whatever.) it's mandatory that we have a at least a President and a Treasurer. So, my advisor decided to pick me as the President, and although it isn't much of a big deal, I'm kind of happy that I was chosen to be President. Because then I will have another foundation building block. But, what I'm really anxious about, is whether or not my advisor was at least a slight bit impressed with my position requests. I requested to be Editor In Chief and the Student Life Editor (which is what I was last year). I think tomorrow we find out our positions... I'm excited. And, I'm so excited to actually start working on the yearbook. I know this years yearbook will be amazing, considering the fact that out new advisor is good at photography, photoshop and all that good stuff. Plus, she has such a creative mind and she knows what she wants and she is expecting a lot from us this year. We have a pretty big staff this year too, so I'm hoping this will be easier than the last couple of years because it used to be very chaotic with how little our staff was. I know it's only the second week of my last year in high school, but I can't wait to see the final book! Anyways, that's it for now.

I'm irritated. I'm tired.

2011-08-17T19:18:00.000-07:00

Every night, I consider going back to Options to finish school. But then I stop because I know that staying at the school I'm currently attending is the right and better choice. I'm able to take the classes I need that I know will benefit me when I, and if I attend art school. Even if I don't go with art school and I decide to go to college instead, my AP classes will benefit me as well. I'm just so irritated with the people around me. Not all of them, but a certain few. I'm not very superstitious or into the whole 'sign and horoscope' thing, but I do know that virgos are described to be independent people. I am an independent person... a very independent person. I mean, it could be true what they say, I don't know for a fact. But it could also be because I was raised with two older half brothers, and although we grew up together, I still kind of was an only child. And, my dad used to be a very independent child, and he still is an independent man today, and the way he raised me was to always learn things on my own... yes, of course he did help me and guide me, but he wanted me, and still wants me to overcome my own obstacles. The whole point as to why I brought this up, is because I'm pretty much at the stage in my life where, if I lose my 'friends', my 'close friends', I wouldn't give a fuck. I never realized it, but after analyzing everything that has been happening each and every day, I've come to realize that I've been getting treated like complete and utter shit. I no longer feel the need to tell my 'friends' my thoughts, feelings, or any other things that are going on in my life, because they don't ever seem to care. Like I've said before, "Sometimes it is better to keep silent than to tell others how you feel because it will only hurt you when you know they can hear you but they would never understand," or care... or listen.

I'm not sure...

2011-07-29T22:36:00.000-07:00

So a few days ago I received anonymous hate on tumblr... yeah. I did. They believed that my friends were excluding me out of a lot of things and basically becoming their own "group" I guess you can say. I will admit, I was a little hurt by that. Only because of that fact that it hurts to know people wish these kinds of things upon others for their own satisfaction. I never saw the friendships I have with my friends like that either... The whole excluding me thing, it just never even crossed my mind. But then today, after link crew training, my friends Dad was there to pick her up and I went over to say hello. We, meaning a few friends and I + my friends dad were all just talking, you know. Now, I should point out that I'm not the best at understanding Spanish but when he spoke some words, I was kind of able to make out what he was saying. He was talking to our other friend asking if it was okay that his daughter stayed at her house, and she told him that it was fine. He then mentioned how my friend (his daughter) never even mentions me anymore, and how he always mentions our other friend and whatnot. Then jokingly he said that it's 'like we weren't friends anymore'. I swear, the moment he said that, it reminded me what anonymous told me... I was sitting in the car, smiling and laughing, just going along with it, trying so hard to hold back tears. I succeeded. But not in my heart. So, then our friend invited me over too, but I felt as if she just asked because she felt obligated to because after what had just happened. Like, she felt bad for me. Now, I'm not exactly sure if that's how she felt but that's just how I took it in my mind because after all that: the hate, the joking around... why wouldn't I? If anonymous can see it, it's like 'okay? whatever. fuck you, you're not right.' If her dad can see it, that's a whole different story. But see, I never saw it. And all of that brought me to see it. It sucks ass because I didn't think any of this in the first place. Funny how little things can just change your mood/emotions in so little time. I wish I was able to hang out with all of them, but whenever they are all able to hang out, I'm not. Something always comes up. Not only that. They live closer to each other and I live further away so it's not easy to just go over whenever. I have a car, yes. But just because I have one doesn't mean that I can go anywhere, anytime. Cars need gas, gas takes money. Where do I get the money from? My parents. Do I like asking for money? No, I do not fucking like it. I'm not sure... I'm not sure how to feel. Goodnight xoxox

Polaroid Frames

2011-07-20T13:55:00.000-07:00

So remember I said my camera broke? Well I managed to somehow fix it. Then I decided since I fixed it, I'll finish recording my drawing, Polaroid Flames.

Here's the final picture:

Here's the video:

Grandchildren

2011-07-19T20:14:00.001-07:00

Me: Mom, do have any sharpies?
Mom: Yes, I think I have a couple but they're at work. Why?
Me: Well, if you do have an extra, may I have it?
Mom: Sure. I can bring one home tomorrow but, what will I get in return?
Me: Uh... grandchildren?

Progress

2011-07-18T11:35:00.000-07:00

I know I created this blog for myself but I wonder if anyone has ever read my posts? I don't really think anyone reads this blog though. I don't want to link it to my tumblr because so many people who know me (go to my school etc.) follow me there and I wouldn't like the idea of them seeing this one. Although, it is the internet and nothing these days is ever private. So, I wouldn't be surprised if someone I knew/knows me found it. ANYWAY

I know in my last post I talked about my algebra II class I'm taking over the summer and how difficult I thought it'd be. Well, I guess you can say I spoke too soon. It's turning out to be insanely easy - with a little bit of cheating ~.~ I went on hotmath.com and looked for the book I'm working out of and copied down all the odd problems since that's all they provide. But hey, don't be so quick to judge! Because I am still learning on my own while trying to do the even problems by myself. It just makes things go by quicker and gives me more free time. As for the tests... well, the first one I took I passed with an 80% and the second one I took I passed with a 100% ! Can you believe it? At first I thought they were messing with me but then they showed me the results and whatnot, and I was in complete shock! I'm proud of myself, and so are my parents!

Now, my weight loss... yeah I just totally forgot about that. I kept telling myself that I shouldn't care. I am me. Forever. If I'm overweight, then so be it. If I'm underweight SO BE IT!

My art projects? I've recorded a few videos of me drawing but then my camera decided to break! RATS. But my birthday is next month - wow! wait a minute. I just realized my birthday is in ONE month. I've lost track of time and days, and it feels too soon to almost turn 17. Geez! - Okay, well since my birthday is in a month, I'm hoping to get a Canon Rebel T1i. I've read though hundreds of reviews and even went onto youtube and watched the video tests to see how good the quality is. And it's fucking amazing! Pretty pricey, all I can do is hope. I would pitch in for my own gift but NOBODY WILL HIRE ME !

What's the excuse this time?

2011-06-24T19:21:00.000-07:00

Well... I don't have one.

I think it's time that I start changing... but for myself of course.

I got this rush of insecureness the other day because I was curious as to how much I weighed. I haven't weighed myself in an incredibly long time by the way. I never felt the need to because I was comfortable with myself and I didn't want to feel insecure like I do now. Now, I'm not going to tell you the numbers I read on the scale for my own sake but I will tell you that this is the most I've ever weighed in my life ! So I went online to check my BMI and according to that, I'm somewhat overweight. Then I went to my room and was observing my body in front of my mirror. My thighs, my waist, my butt, my chest... and thought "but I don't even look like I weigh ___." And I still felt, well fat... I guess. I then grabbed a pen and paper and sat down on my bed and started to write down everything I've eaten in the past week. When I took a closer look at everything I wrote down... "Oh that's why I weigh ___." Not only that, I took my moms measuring tape that she uses for when she makes clothing and measured my thighs, waist etc. and wrote it all down as well. So, I'm going to cut my calories/diet and start going to the gym more often. I have the time but I never take the opportunity. Shame on me. Anyway, along the way of my little journey, I'm going to remeasure my body every week or two so I know that it's working. If it doesn't, well then I'll just push myself harder !

Another thing I'm going to change: I need to start focusing more on my studies. This summer I have a lot to do. I'm re-taking an Alg II (first semester) class because I got an F, sadly. Luckily it's at OFY and it's not as much work... but it is all independent study. Which means I have to learn and work everything on my own. So far there are no teachers available to help me, which sucks ass. But my best friend is taking the same class so we've gotten together a few times to work on our packets of work together. They give 5 packets with count as the 5 credits I need in order to pass the class... but here's the catch: The day each packet is due, there will be a test on what I've learned. I'm horrible at tests, H O R R I B L E ! All I'm hoping for is to pass those ! So I need to work extremely hard and study my ass off. I can not afford to fail it again. Also, I'm taking AP Lit for the next school year. It's required that I read Wuthering Heights and Hedda Gabler. Not just that, I also have to annotate both books by the time school starts up again. Sigh. This will all pay off... or at least I hope so.

One last thing: I've always been told to be a very creative person, and I wouldn't argue that. Not too sound like a bragger but I mean, I am. I always have been. I grew up in a creative environment. My dad is a musician, so is his sister/my aunt. And their mom was a photographer. My mom is an artist. She paints, sketches, and all that other good stuff. Both of my brothers (from a different father than I) inherited their creative hands from my mom. But my oldest brother also found and interest in photography. So did my other brother, but that wasn't until years later ! As for me, I inherited both, the creative hand and the musical talent. My interest in photography was just an inspiration from my oldest brother. A lot of people know that I sing. Some know I play guitar and write lyrics, but very little know that I play piano. And some know that I draw, but very little know that I paint. Anyway, the whole point of this is that I want my art/talents to get noticed. I want to set up a vimeo account and upload videos of myself singing the songs I write, drawing my very own drawings, painting my very own paintings, or even just uploading short films that I've made but never exposed. I think it will be a fun and great experience, mostly to see what kind of feedback I get, good and/or bad. So I will start working on that very, very soon.

Rant

2011-05-24T20:17:00.000-07:00

I forgot I had a blogspot. Shame on me.

Well, there are only 3 days left of school/Junior year. No, actually... they are only half days. But whatever you know what I mean. It didn't hit me until today that I only have 1 year left of high school. Where has the time gone? Flew right by me in an instant, I did not even notice. And It saddens me, the fact that next year my current yearbook advisor won't be advising Yearbook anymore due to district demands. I've grown so close to her, and I have never grown so close to a teacher before! She made it easy for me to be my complete self around her. I'm going to miss telling her my many stories of various genres. I'm going to miss going all out on my yearbook designs and showing them to her and seeing the smile on her face because of how proud she is of my work. I'm going to miss her catching me at my weirdest and random moments. I'm going to miss staying in her class during my 6th period helping her out with things she didn't have time for. I will always remember the time when we were in the student store for yearbook distribution and how she was so amused by Stephanie and I. And how we were all just laughing at non-sense. I will always remember having discussions about the other students and staff on campus. I will always remember talking to her about my relationship issues. I will always remember how exciting it was to find out new things about her. I will always remember the time I caught her saying 'fuck'. I will always remember the time we went to yearbook camp, haha. I'm going to miss her and I will always remember her :/ She's taught me so much. If it wasn't for her, I don't think I would have ever realized how big of an interest I had in graphic design and journalism. Thanks Mrs. Adelaars!
Thats kind of all I want to talk about right now. Everything else is just so emotional and I don't want to start crying because then my mom will ask me what's wrong and I just don't feel like explaining it all to her.

We all have secrets we won't ever tell...

2011-04-19T19:59:00.001-07:00

I wonder what it'd be like, to just simply tell all my secrets. Not others secrets that I know of. But my own personal secrets. I wonder what kind of feedback I'd get. I wonder if I'd lose or gain friends. I wonder if anyone would even listen.

Love is...

2011-04-19T19:47:00.000-07:00

"I feel like I'm shadowed,
by hazy stars above me.
They're all shining bright for me.

I've seen days of chaos,
winter rains that wouldn't leave.
But I came clean cause I believe.

I wanna find love and I wanna keep it.
I had it once but I didn't mind leaving it.
But I was younger then,
And I learned everything, alone, alone.

Love is an airplane,
it can travel across the world
And lift you high above,
and still it'll never change.

Love is a gentle word,
even when your pride is hurt.
Won't turn you away,
won't bring up yesterday.

Even though the days grow,
longer by the minute.
I know there is hope, in hope itself.

When I'm growing tired,
and I feel faith is drifting,
I remember love is what I'm working toward.

Love is a heavy kiss,
when you don't deserve it.
It forgives, forgets,
It never turns its back on you.

Love is an empty cup,
it takes time to fill it up.
Even when you can't see it,
you can feel it lifting you.

Love is, love is everything.
Love is, love is everything."

2011-02-11T23:33:00.000-08:00

You're beautiful.

2011-01-17T22:26:00.000-08:00

I mean that. You're extremely beautiful in so many ways and I don't even think you are aware of that. I would tell you this, but... I've never spoken to you before. I see you a lot and imagine what it'd be like to be your friend. Wow... do I sound like a creeper? Shut up. I know plenty of you guys do this too with people you see walking around. So don't judge me. And if you are, well then here is a big FUCK YOU. Back to my point... never mind. I lost my train of thought. Ummmm, yeah. You're beautiful.

I hate going to get haircuts at salons.

2011-01-16T19:02:00.000-08:00

Why? Because they end up styling your hair afterwards and it turns out ugly. They style it so that they like it, and that bothers me. I went to get a haircut yesterday and I told her to blow dry it when she was finished cutting it. She ended up doing all these flippy things with my hair and my hair was super volumized like that girl from Hairspray, which means it looked ugly. I went to the restroom and tied it up because of how ugly it was. So when I got home I immediately washed my hair and let it dry naturally and said "All better." This is pointless.

Rehearsals.

2011-01-11T22:36:00.000-08:00

First rehearsal was yesterday and it was actually quite fun. We started off with introductions and everybody seems so jolly. I like that! I hope soon enough we all feel like a big family. Anyways, we first started off with acting and I was super nervous because I didn't know my lines completely. But then it was time for singing so I was saved! The singing went really well. Damn, not even... it went extremely well. Especially for the first day. I've also discovered that I can sing a pretty low note, which was pretty exciting for me. I'm not sure why. Last but not least, it was time for dancing. We met our choreographer, and she actually turned out to be one of our schools football players sister. We started off with some good stretching... but in the wrong clothes. I will be sure to bring comfortable clothes next time! I remember she had everyone line up from tallest to shortest, and of course I was in the short portion of the line, although I wasn't last! I felt good about that (no offense to Stephanie who was last, haha.) So we ended up having some difficulties because not everyone felt that they were up to the "flying" and "catching" challenge. And if you did not know, I consider myself somewhat of a daredevil and wanted to participate in this move, as so did others! I ended up being a flyer too, which is what I wanted because I'm not strong enough to lift someone, sadly. I wish I could get into more detail about the "flying" and "catching" challenge/dance move, but it's too difficult to explain. Just imagine swing dancing... something like that. Back to where I was... our choreographer had us partner up and I was afraid that the boy (I forgot his name, how sad :/) she made me partner with wouldn't be able to lift me, but turns out he was able to! Blah blah blah blah blah blah blah... I just got a huge rush of layzness poured onto me right now, I am so tired. I don't want to type anymore... besides, I don't even think I should be talking about this! Maybe I'll just leave you hopeless and dying of curiosity until I post a video of the final play/musical! Yeah, maybe I might! Who knows? I might change my mind tomorrow because it is in fact rehearsal day number 2 and I'll feel this need to blog about it. Night

xoxoxo

Music making and...

2011-01-03T21:20:00.000-08:00

Lately, I've been having this huge urge to write lyrics. All day, everyday. I practice playing guitar and piano a lot more now. It's not like I don't know how to play, but practice makes better, right? I just wish I knew someone who had a big passion for music as much as I do. I'm not saying I don't have friends who like music, but none of them really have such a strong heart for it as I do. And if I knew somebody who had a passion like that, I bet it would be joys of fun to make music with them. Not to get famous or anything, just simply for the heck and love of it.

I feel bad and I shouldn't.

2011-01-03T21:14:00.000-08:00

Sometimes I feel bad when I don't blog about anything that has happened. I'm not sure why I even should, I mean... I doubt anybody even reads this. The whole reason I created this was to blog about stuff that wanders my mind so that when I'm older I can look back at this. So, not blogging about anything would leave me nothing to read back on. So maybe I just feel bad for myself. Like, this is probably the most easiest thing to ever do and I can't even do that. I just get lazy and pull the whole, "Uh I don't want to do this right now..." crap. I think I'm going to work on that. Stop being lazy. Strive. Achieve. Commit... and so on.

Best of both worlds.

2010-12-22T02:08:00.001-08:00

I'm hoping this will go somewhere but I can be wrong. I'll have to accept that life has to move on. You want the best of both worlds. Me and the other girl. You're caught between two and if this turns out badly then all that'll be left is... You.

Expressing feelings.

2010-12-21T14:48:00.000-08:00

Sometimes, it is better to keep silent than to tell others what you feel because it will only hurt you when you know they can hear you but they would never understand. I know that blogging my feelings doesn't make that much of a difference, but at least I can easily express my feelings still without having to speak. I don't really care if anyone reads what I say, but it makes me feel a little better knowing that I can still somehow let all this out without being hurt, because I don't have to depend on anyone to respond back. I don't know... I feel like I got off track and now I'm just rambling. This was making sense to me for a while... what the heck. I know what I mean though, and that's what matters.

Unexpected.

2010-12-20T22:39:00.000-08:00

I had a quite lovely conversation today with someone who makes me way beyond happy, but he doesn't know that. And I swear, every time he says Hi, I instantly smile. I really, really enjoy talking to him because I can be as sarcastic as I want to be and he knows I am and goes along with it. I love that he still makes the effort to talk to me because it makes me feel like I'm somebody important to him, and feeling important to somebody is always a smile lifter. Especially to someone I do actually like. Hm, I kind of always had a gut feeling he would stick around, even after we broke up. I now hope that he continues to always be there because it would be a huge let down if he ever stopped talking to me. I like him that much, but he doesn't know that either. He may have somewhat of an idea but I haven't actually said it to him. So for now, I'll keep it a secret... from him.

I can't wait for my future. You're going to be in it, you know. I'm going to have to be patient for a long while... but I'm fine with that.

Moments/things in life that make me feel happier than ever.

2010-12-20T00:56:00.000-08:00

Going to sleep knowing I have no obligations for the following day
Hugs from people I love
Fashion magazines
When I look in the mirror and like what I see
When people tell me I’m good at something
When I know I’ve helped a friend
Being satisfied with the lyrics I wrote
Seeing my parents laughing together
Good morning/good night texts
When people tell me I am beautiful and mean it
Listening to my favorite songs
When my parents tell me they love me
Finishing books
When my mom brings home gifts for me out of generosity
When I get introduced to a lovely new band
No homework
Waking up in the morning not tired
When people want to spend time with me
Getting compliments

The list can go on and on.

I am more of a sunrise than sunset kind of person.

2010-12-19T23:12:00.001-08:00

Everything that’s whirring through my mind right now:

2010-12-19T22:19:00.000-08:00

I shouldn't have had that piece of chocolate cake. I'm going to regret it.
Watching My Life As Liz and it reminds me of Nicole.
I left the Sims 2 game on and I don't feel like turning it off.
I have to pee.
The out of place threads on my mittens are bothering me.
I wish I was at Borders (the book store) right now.
I'm probably going to be bored tomorrow.
I wish I actually payed attention in my Spanish class.
I have a tummy ache. Maybe it was that piece of cake? ... I knew I would regret it.
I can't hear the rain, so maybe I should mute everything.
I like the sound of rain.
I really want that shirt. Oh my geez.
My cell phone fell under my bed hours ago and I can't reach it.
Hair, why won't you grow faster?
My dad just told me that my new cell phone should be in. SCORE.
I still can't believe that in one drop my cell phone screen shattered into a thousand pieces.
I feel like taking a shower.
I hate McDonalds.
I need new music on my iPod.
I seem to spend a lot of money... but I don't make any.
I want to play my guitar.
I should clean my room... it's really dirty.
My back hurts.
Why am I not tired?
What should I do after high school? Decisions decisions.

Kudos to you if you read all of that.

"There are times when it's better to let things happen by itself, rather than insisting on how you want them to be done."

2010-12-19T21:36:00.000-08:00

I'm trying to teach myself that I shouldn't always try to make things happen my way. From now on, I will try my absolute best to just, let the chips fall where they may. Everything will end up better that way... I think. I'm done with trying to force things... because they eventually fail. So maybe if I just let everything be, and let whatever happens happen, there will be a good outcome. It will be hard, but I will try.

Todays Playlist.

2010-12-19T20:19:00.000-08:00

I've been listening to these songs all day.

Rain.

2010-12-19T18:34:00.000-08:00

It seems as if a lot of people aren't enjoying this lovely rainy weather we are having. I, in fact love it. I could easily fall asleep to the sound of this lovely rain pour. It's so soothing. I love putting on my cozy comfy clothes, as well as my cute mittens. I love making tea, coffee, or hot chocolate. I love being wrapped in tons of blankets while watching my favorite movies, or simply listening to my favorite songs. It's relaxing and I love it.

Greet

2010-12-18T18:30:00.000-08:00

Hello there. My name is Allyson, but I prefer Ally thank you very much. I've decided to make this blog to express myself differently than I do on Tumblr. I might be on this more as well. I just find it quite hard to share my inner feelings via Tumblr because friends of mine have found it, and I don't feel comfortable doing so. So this... this is a fresh new start. Nice to meet you.